Why do it?

Why do you do the things you do? Do you do them for yourself? Do you do it for others? Do you do it because it is the norm?

This thought came to me as I was working out one morning.  What you have to understand is I have had a back and forth relationship with “working out” the last year.  I have sporadically been incorporating workouts into my routine.  The most consistent thing I have done is yoga, it has help my life in many ways.

While I was working out though, I asked myself “Why am I doing this?”. It was at the point where, if I had a mirror, I would be looking at myself saying “What the fuck? Why do I get up at 4 a.m. to do this? Sam is upstairs in a nice cozy bed.”

Okay now I choose to get up at 4 a.m. in theory I could wake up later or I could do it in the afternoon.  However, how my life works 4 a.m. is truly the better time as I used to complete homework in the evenings and now I like to have the evenings free to unwind from my day, practice yoga, spend time with friends, spend time with Sam or just be outside now that the weather is starting to turn.

Here is the thing though, my why is this:

  • I am being active
  • I am moving my body
  • I have the ABILITY to move my body
  • I feel better
  • I sleep better

A lot of people ask what got me into running. I had begun running a few years ago and said, “I want to run a 5k but am not sure what I want to support” because there is a 5k for almost every non-profit or group in the world. That same year a friend had been killed in a homicide/suicide the universe being an amazing thing brought me to my first 5k; his family and community created a 5k in his honor. It was my first 5k and I did it for him.

When people ask me why I workout or run or get up so early (even if I don’t have to be), my most constant answer is because I can. I may sound like a broken record when I say this but we are given an amazing beautiful life. I am gifted with good health, a body that is cooperative and moves how I want it to, so why should I not try and do things that others can’t?

This is the same attitude I take into my half marathon on June 2nd. It will be the longest distance I have run but I have hiked it so I know I can do it.

As you go about your day think of your why or your multiple why’s. Are you doing what you’re doing for yourself or for others?

**this may be a multi-part post more to come later**

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A Horrible Habit

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A quote many are familiar with. A truth that just keeps ringing in my brain over and over again.

Let’s see at 27 years old I thought I would have been married for roughly 2 years at minimum, in the house of my dreams built from scratch, lots of dogs, career that I am passionate about and starting a family.

Reality is 27 years old, after five years together Sam and I just bought a house and are living together alone for the first time. We have one of our dogs, I have no job and no start of a family.

Now I know that I have a good life, I am VERY grateful for the life I have and the life I have had up until this point. It does not mean that I do not compare my life to others. From the moment we wake up to the moment that we go to bed our lives are filled with comparison.

On social media we think it is best practice to go and follow all of the people that inspire us and do what we want to be doing. What I have learned is that is entirely the opposite of what we should do. The reason being is we see their continued success and while there is excitement in that, it also leaves us to be more susceptible to the “Why not me?”

I would love to follow all of the yogi’s, dog mom’s, entrepreneurs, beachbody coaches, and even a lot of the kick-a** women I have met. But the reality is I know that I am not in a place where I can cheer them on without self-doubting. So I start in little bits because the reality is that no single person’s life is perfect. Even if we know them in person, even if we see them on a daily basis, no one hands their dirty laundry out to dry.

In the same respect, I try and be as authentic as possible. But just like not everyone in town needs to know what is going on in my life (not even family!) the entire social media world doesn’t need to know either. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect, it definitely doesn’t mean I’m close, or that I have all my stuff together.

I am a human being with flaws just like the rest of the world. Can you imagine a world where we all stopped comparing ourselves? Start today and try and break the horrible habit with me.

Diving into Uncomfortable

Well here I go stepping DIVING into the uncomfortable and taking you along with me if you choose the accept the mission!

I say diving because I have leapt into an incredibly uncomfortable part of life. Now you may wonder “Why is it uncomfortable?” Let me just say it is my ego and my stubbornness that is screaming “THIS ISN’T RIGHT!”

They say this because I left the “norm”, I left my great job with benefits for an unknown career future. I left said job with no known ground to stand on other than long discussions with Sam that this was the right decision for myself and for our relationship.

Diving into this uncomfortable meant that I need to practice yoga, meditate, set a new routine, workout, dance, etc. It means that I can not sit in the house and twiddle my thumbs because then I let the fear, doubt, negativity, mean girl voice sink in.

This voice says that it isn’t right to have moved without a secured job in place. This voice says that it isn’t right to not be providing a significant amount of household income. This voice says that it isn’t right for me to not be doing something. This voice says “who do you think you are?!”

Let us just re-read that last paragraph, WHERE IN THE WORLD did that come from? A large part of it is my ego saying that I don’t need to rely on anyone, well that isn’t exactly the case. And am I not also always the one telling people that it’s not a bad thing to need help?

I am diving into the uncomfortable because I am uncomfortable with how vulnerable I am. I feel I am open to major judgement from a multitude of people for the decision I made.

The thing is though it does not matter what others think. It does not matter if it is something they approve of. It was the right decision for myself, it was the right decision for Sam and I’s relationship and that is what matters.

If you are diving into the uncomfortable, if you are diving into an unknown, if you are running forward charging at life, I raise my glass to you and say “Let’s do this together!”

Email: beyoufindyou@gmail.com
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New Year, New Starts

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Hello one and all! My apologies for 2018 being a very lack luster year for this blog. While I had really solid intentions with my writing (and have the drafts to prove it) I allowed my life to happen.  I wanted to beat myself up about it I decided that being present in my life and embracing it were the most important things.

So here it is February 2019 and there are a large number of new beginnings. While incredibly exciting, humbling and full of adventure new beginnings can feel not so great all the time. My largest new beginning is moving with Sam to our new home two hours north of where our families are. Now if you are ridiculously connected with your family like I am you can relate that it’s REALLY hard. The weekend we moved in I cried when my parents left, I cried the day after and the day after that. The silly thing is I was coming back down to live with them for two weeks while I finished my job.

Now here’s my personal reality check, it is not silly to feel sad that this part of my journey is closing. This part of my life journey where I am not going to be physically as close to my family as I am used to. This is where we focus a lot on the exciting part of a new beginning and can gloss over the not so great parts. I am a huge optimistic person so this is one of my biggest faults. What also sucks is that I know I’ve lost friends over this, I have lost friends who may not agree with my decisions to take on this new beginning. I have lost friends who do not know how to still be in a relationship with me during this part of my journey.

New beginnings are exciting times, whether it be starting a new career, a new home, a new fitness journey, a new puppy! Regardless of the type of new beginning there will be ups and downs. If we have learned anything life is full of them and all we can do is embrace each up and each down.

With the new beginnings comes new things to write about! There have already been many sparks of magic for things to inspire my writing also, as I stated earlier I have quite a few draft posts saved from last year. I would really love feedback from you on what you like reading about. I make no promises that I can write about it on the spot but I will keep it filed for a rainy day 🙂

Email: beyou_findyou@gmail.com
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Do you have an inner mean girl (or Guy?)

Everyone has doubts, fears and frustrations that cause depression, anger, or sadness for ourselves and/or our own life.

I will say I have faced my inner mean girl in the mirror quite a few times. When I start doubting my own self worth, when I start doubting my ability to do something, or quite frankly when I start being judgmental of others.

“WAIT, did you just say judgmental of others?!”

Yes, yes I did because when I become judgmental of others (check out my previous post) I am truly more insecure about myself and/or my life then who they are or their actions.

My inner mean girl comes out when I see friends I know going out and partying and I wonder why I can’t do that. Well here is the reality check, I enjoy a glass of wine, good food, and good conversation. Do I enjoy going out? Sure! However, very harsh lesson this last week I do NOT enjoy going out and getting sh**faced. So why do I let my mean girl scream at me telling me it is what I SHOULD BE doing?

Can anyone answer that for me?

I sure can, I let her scream at me because I am trying to be something I am not.  My mean girl screams at me right now because I joined this fitness community for different reasons then many of those who joined.  My inner mean girl also screams at me when I am not living my own truth.  She screams at me when I feel like a fake, I don’t mean fake like trying to party hardy when I don’t and can’t.  What I mean is that she screams at me when I am working to put myself out there more and share my story.

When I write this blog, I have fully begun to embrace the not knowing. When I embrace the not knowing, my mean girl shuts up! My mean girl starts to chime in every single time I write. She chimes in because who am I to think I have anything to share with the world? Who am I to think that I will impact a single human beings life?

I will never know if I do not try.

What I also notice is that my inner mean girl screams at me when there is lots of change going on.  My life right now, well we will go with the whirlwind comparison.  At this time I can’t say things are where I thought they would be, my stress is a bit out there, I am unbalanced, not sure where my relationships stand let alone where I stand.  She’s screaming at me, shoving all my doubts, my fears, my self-conscious tendencies into my head.  Filling my head and heart with dread, frustration, sadness, fear and anger.

Heading into the holiday season our inner mean girl will probably come out a lot.  Not only because of the food we know we will consume but also because of the elaborate gifts we will see people buy, the engagements and babies that will be around every corner and the family reunions that will happen and make many feel less then.

Once again I am here to tell you that you are not alone! I’m right here with you and that the best thing you can do for yourself is start looking in the mirror more.  Find someone who can be the person that you can say “She’s screaming at me” and they know what you’re talking about and can help you shut her up.

Be you, put yourself first, and find out who you are. This doesn’t just apply to the you during the good times, it’s discovering who you are when you have doubt and fear screaming in your face.

It’s Your Story

A recurring theme in my life has been “Your Story”.  While I am a person that divulges, probably more then people wish to hear sometimes, I have learned the value of holding back.

Not everyone is supposed to hear your story and not everyone will hear it even if you tell it.  One of my favorite authors Dr. Brené Brown says “Share with people who have earned the right to hear your story”.

This summer has a tumultuous one, personally there has been a lot going on.  There’s been weddings to go to, vacations to take, relationships to mend, homework to complete, yoga to practice, workouts to do, family to see, self-care, etc. The list truly could go on, in all this chaos there has been a story that I felt I could share with those around me.

The funny thing is that sometimes these stories, we share just so that we don’t hold them in.  Yes, I am being very vague and cryptic I recognize this however at this time, my story is one that isn’t going to be shared with the world.  It may be later down the road but this story is also owned by someone else around me.

That’s the toughest part, is when the story isn’t just yours because when you tell it or share it you are only telling it from your side.  You can’t know what the other person is thinking or feeling and you try not to assume.  I’ve learned that these stories are the hardest to share because when people only hear what your side is like, they can get upset, angry, frustrated or annoyed for/with you.  This isn’t exactly healthy as it can quickly become a negativity cloud that just stays over you.

Embrace and own your story, learn who is ready to hear it, and learn how to protect it.  Not all stories are meant to be told.

So Lets Keep it Honest

Life updates galore may happen in this post so it also may not be the most uplifting but you may relate.

If you follow me on Instagram personally you know that I have been crying my eyes out for ohhh since the end of August.  While it sucks because they just come whenever I have realized it’s because I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted.

Now after saying all that you probably would do a double take while I say that I ADDED in being a BeachBody coach.  I’m an insane person and should probably have someone to talk to about the amount of stuff I pile on my plate, OH WAIT! I do! by the time you read this post I will probably be sitting in a chair in front of my therapist crying some more and having a long talk about my lifestyle right now.

This FINAL semester of school is turning out to be one of the busiest.  I have tried to adapt into a REALLY REALLY solid routine.  Go figure, final semester of school and I figure out how time management works.  I work 40 hour weeks, get up at 4am during the week to work out and 5am on the weekends to keep it semi-consistent.  I work an 8 hour day and come home and spend 3-4 hours on homework and am in bed by 9.

It sucks, honestly while the routine is great and I’ve actually been keeping my high peaks of anxiety at bay (I’m not a GREAT student, I get by and get my work done but school has always been a HUGE anxiety inducing activity).  The rest of my life goes by the wayside, now I’m trying to keep in mind that from all of this I will have a Bachelor’s Degree by the end of the year.  It has taken 6 years and two schools but it will be done!

This is why there has been much radio silence on mind end.  Tonight, on Thursday, I am having a major brain dump of inspiration and just wanting to share the real life happening right now.

I really would just love to live in yoga pants and baggie sweaters all day.  I would love to not have to work and just complete my degree.  I would love to figure out how to share BeachBody with people while not crawling out of my skin because it’s AWKWARD SAUCE!  People in sales, kudos!  My goal is to never “sell” anything except the opportunity for someone to better themselves and their life! (Could I sound anymore cheesy?)  Well this is what happens when I brain dump, it just ALL COMES OUT.

I do have actual topics that are stored away at the moment to provide you all with again when I can organize.  Actually the next one will be in two weeks! Keep your eyes peeled out!

Also, for the time being I am not sharing on the blog Instagram Handle so I do greatly apologize if you have tried to reach me on there.  I’ve had to do a lot of evaluating as to where my time and energy are spent and I’m not even sure I’m doing it right.  When do we know in life when we’ve got it “right”? I think that’s reaching for a perfection that only we can determine, so here’s to figuring it out! Talk to you guys in a few weeks!
beyoufindyou@gmail.com

 

Who do you want to be?

We are asked this question over a dozen times when we are children.  As you get older it changes to, what do you want to do when you get older?  As we get even older it becomes, what do you want to do with your life?

I want to be someone who helps make a change in the world.  I want to spend my life filled with happiness and love.  I want to be an example to whatever children may surround me, whether they be my own or others.  I want to be someone that people can relate to, rely on and can trust to be an honest human being.

That just gives an explanation of who I want to be at my core.  Do I want to be successful? Yes, but I need to determine what I measure that success by.  I want to be a yoga instructor and a business coach.  I want to always be learning from what is around me.

Most of all, I want to be someone continues to embrace life in all of its chaos, imperfections and downs.  Does this mean I will be able to do this all the time?

NO!

Every single one of us will have things in life that trip us up.  Every single one of us will ask “Why am I not where I want to be?” that is OKAY!  What we must try and do is to continue to push forward.  We can embrace the negativity for a short amount of time but we need to pull up our big girl or big boy pants and keep moving forward.

You want to know why?

Life doesn’t stop, life just keeps moving forward.  If we do not make the conscious effort to move forward with it then we will always be asking the question of “Why am I not where I want to be?”

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Change

I began writing about change eight months ago believing I had profound thoughts on change. Honestly though, I could not find the words to share with the world. I felt they needed to be thought provoking, inspiring and challenge you to think of change in a different way. I did not want to write about change the way “everyone” else does but sometimes it is okay to reiterate what others say because it just might mean you are on the right track.

Seven months ago I moved out of my parents house for the first time. It was new and exciting, frightening and freeing all at the same time. Now many people move out in college but I did not as it was more cost efficient due to the fact I went to a local school.

When I started to think about change I started to think of milestones in my life when I can pinpoint the change that occurred. When I say milestones I think of specific things like:

  • When I went on my first date with my boyfriend.
  • Changing jobs to better my career, not knowing even at that point what my “career” was.
  • My Nanie passing away
  • Moving out of my parents house for the first time
  • Buying a new car
  • Choosing to go to Therapy for the first time
  • Choosing to practice yoga
  • Signing up to participate in a spartan race
  • Choosing to put myself first

All of these, while not all LARGE milestones, are still significant milestones in my book. When I think of them they also help me pinpoint where I was at in my “journey of life”. When going on that first date with my boyfriend I had no idea that I would change my perspective, outlook, expectations and passion about relationships. Not just my relationship with him but with those around me.

My career, while I still can’t say I know 100% what I want to do, I can say that I’m in a place where there are so many different opportunities that I would never have imagined. I didn’t know starting in a Customer Support role would bring me to the position I am in today and ultimately lead me to going back to school.

I never moved out of my parents house for college. I went to a local community college and university where it was cheaper to live at home. I am very thankful that I had parents who never shoved me out of the house knowing that I would leave when the time came. This past winter I had the opportunity to move out on my own into a friends condo. Living with someone other then my family was very different and not what I was used to.  The experience however was one I’d never trade anything for and helped me be who I am today.

Change isn’t just in the big things though. As I always try and say in everything I write, it is always about the little things. I wasn’t drinking enough water so I changed my habits, I carry around a 32 oz bottle of water with me everywhere. When I started and I craved something else, or something sweet, I “forced” myself to always just drink water knowing it is what my body needed.

When I struggle with negativity I make myself say three things I am thankful for. This didn’t happen over night, it happened because I chose to change how I thought of myself, the world, and others.

Change is not something that happens overnight. Change is TRULY inevitable and something that no matter how much you resist, it will occur over and over again. Change works best when you can accept and say “I know change happens, I may not like it but I will accept it and move forward.”

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Expectations

Living up to expectations, how do we do it? How do we know what the expectations are for us? Are they taught, are we told, do we learn by example?

Many of our expectations stem from societal norms.  At the theatre you are expected to be quiet and not chit chat during the performance or movie.  At work you are expected to put business first and personal stays outside the door.  As a child you are expected to behave when company comes over or when out in public.  As a teenager/young adult you are expected to act as such if you want to be taken seriously.  Even as a significant other you are expected to behave in a specific way.

In all reality though, how many of us live up to those expectations?  In all reality, how many of us have created expectations that we can not even rise up to?

One of the oldest and long living expectations is that of the expectations in a relationship.  Many fall pray to what I will describe, and if you already know what I mean from the previous sentence skip ahead.  In many many relationships it is often a point of view of one partner or the other that they should not need to explain or communicate what they want or need.  It is expected that the other partner just knows!  I would really love to know how as a society we fell into this because I have gotten stuck, and continue to do so, many times over.  I blame the romantic movies I love so much.

What about the expectation of someone’s character?  What about the expectations you have for your sibling?  As the oldest sibling I often felt like I had to be the care taker if my parents were go.  I had to be the best example I could for my sister and not falter.  I expected myself to be the smartest and best I could be.  What happened is she ended up being much smarter then I am.  She got a better job then I did, and I still beat myself up about. it.  But whose fault is it, my won?  It’s my own fault because I have set those expectations upon myself of what defines my failure.

We can anticipate that as humans we expect someone to be kind and be a “decent” human being, that definition may depend on the person who has that expectation.  We also can anticipate that when out to eat we each have an expectation, depending on the business of the restaurant, how long it takes for our food to be ready.  We even can anticipate that we can expect to sit in rush hour traffic at 5pm on a Friday evening.

Simply put, every single one of us has expectations.  What of those expectations however can we let go of?  It is hard work to first of all even recognize that ourselves or someone else “did wrong” simply because we had an expectation set.  This expectation may have been known or unknown to us, regardless we set one and because it wasn’t met you are left feeling mad, angry, frustrated, sad and/or disappointed.

Expectations are a reality, they are a tough reality but they are there.  The best we can do is try and voice when we have expectations and understand if we are setting ourselves or anyone else up for failure.

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Email: beyoufindyou@gmail.com