Every corner I turn I feel as though this world is coming up with a new way for us to be fearful, uncertain, scared, and worried.  We live in a world where terrorists are active within our lives.  We have social media constantly reporting on events that are happening within our own country that we never thought we would see happen.  We have TV shows that people get so enthralled in with criminal activity and conspiracy that our brains begin to fear what we see.

Even if we take it down to just us, just ourselves as an individual can you look at yourself and state what you fear? What you are afraid of? I find when we say what we fear most it is almost always tied to the amount of control we have over it.  When you are afraid of losing the person you are in love with it is most often because they have their own free will, they have their own emotions, and you have no say what those may be.

I can say, after much soul searching, a lot of the fears or uncertainties that I have are because I have no control over them.

With my boyfriend, there have been many times when I have been afraid of “losing” him or uncertain of how strong our relationship is.  I have been afraid because despite him choosing me, and choosing our relationship on a daily basis there are days when I know I can be a handful, my choices or actions may not be the best; because of those I fear that he’ll turn around and one day say “Nope, I’m done”.  It is tough to face these fears and uncertainties with him because while we have been together he has been in graduate school the whole time which is its own monster.  One of my biggest uncertainties has been despite being together the whole time, things change when school is over, how do I know we are strong enough to go thru those next steps too?

Despite my fears he has always been there to comfort me and tell me there is nothing to be afraid of.  When we hiked Mt. Katahdin two years ago and we hiked along knife’s edge (the name is NOT misleading) he stayed by me the whole time.  While I crawled on all fours across it and cried he was there lending his hand and encouraging me and telling me I could do it.  His reassurance, support, and comfort have always put my fears and uncertainties to rest.  I will admit some help from my therapist never hurt. J

From these fears and uncertainties I have also determined a fear of letting go.  I am afraid and uncertain of letting go of control, letting go of the thoughts and emotions within the situation.

I fear heights because let’s face it, you fall you fall, there is no going back.  Even tied to a carabiner I’m not exactly the most comfortable, it’s why I’ve never gone skydiving.  Free falling thru air, even if in tandum, no thanks!  I have no control over it, all these factors in these two situations are entirely not controlled by me this causes me to be afraid.

When I cut off my hair last year I was afraid to show everyone.  I was afraid of the judgement, the comments, and to put myself out there. It is scary to put yourself out there for all to see because again you have no control over their thoughts, their reactions or responses. Tying it back to our relationships, have you been afraid to be honest or voice your concerns, thoughts, feelings, or opinion with your significant other, your parent/s, sibling/s or friend/s.  It’s scary to do so!

One of the biggest things I am afraid and uncertain about is death.  For the last..ten years or so I have gone thru some nights where my mind just spins, I think of death, I think of dying alone, I think of those around me dying.  My mind just keeps going to the point where I have broken down to tears and have had panic attacks.  My mind has kept me up well into the night with these thoughts.  It wasn’t until I started talking about this fear with my parents and having a discussion that I have begun to cope; I know it is a part of life, I understand it happens for all of us.  What is driving this fear is my lack of control over when, where, how, and with whom.

I bring fear up not to be negative, sad, or doubtful.  I bring it up because despite fear I work every day to acknowledge it and be happy. Am I perfect? Definitely not, there have been many days where I have let it rule, I break down and cry and feel lost.  I know I’m stronger then it but it can be consuming.  When we give into our fears we not only are afraid but we can become angry, nervous, sad, frustrated, uncertain, etc.

The difference that I have found is in acknowledging my fear.  If I acknowledge I am afraid, if I acknowledge WHY I am afraid, and state what I can or cannot do about it I am better able to handle it.  Again, this is not fool proof and works often but not always.  Sometimes your fear or uncertainty needs to be talked about and brought to light so that those who you care about and are in your life can be aware.  I also have a therapist that I see to discuss these with as well because these fears or uncertainties are sometimes best addressed with her.

I share all of this and put myself out there in a very public way all because I have spent a lot of time recently being afraid, uncertain and scared for many reasons that have been out of my control.  So, as I stated earlier I decided to share, be open and honest about some of my biggest fears.  Hopefully this will help not only just myself but others in their journey to let go of their fears and uncertainties.

Email: beyoufindyou@gmail.com
#beyoufindyou
Instagram: @beyoufindyou

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